Mini Break

I did not get to enjoy the Spring Break for Wash U because I was still working at my schools in Illinois. However, their Spring Break is really just a long weekend around Easter. So, starting Thursday at 12:15pm, I have no class or practicum obligations until Tuesday. How wonderful!

And while I will be working on the rest of my semester work during this time, what makes it a true break is the fact that my worst week of the semester is now behind me (it might have even been the worst week of my grad school career). On Monday, I turned in a 25 page paper that has been dictating my life for more than a month. Then, on Wednesday night I had a presentation and another paper due (which I had been able to spend little if any time on because of the previously mentioned paper which had taken over my life).

This all seemed impossible. Given my issues with focus and my recent history of major deadline issues, it was all I could do not to give up. Last weekend, I remember praying and telling God that I knew that this was truly impossible for my own abilities and capacities... and basically that it was up to Him. After 3 days with a total of 10.5 hours of sleep, not only did I turn in the Monday paper on time, but I was also prepared for my presentation and turned the paper into that professor as well. I left class last night in complete shock... and then I cried tears of joy all the way home... and then I went to bed. I'm so relieved and so grateful to have this behind me... and ON TIME no less. That's HUGE for me!!! :)

All that to say that this truly is a break for me. My stress level (which has been in "emergency" mode for almost 6 weeks) has taken a nose dive and I feel great (though I'm still recovering from sleep deprivation). I was even singing to myself as I loaded my car to head to class this morning. It wasn't until I noticed myself singing that I realized that I used to sing or hum to myself most of the time... but I haven't for weeks. If that doesn't indicate my stress level and state of well-being, I don't know what does.

So here is what I accomplished over my break:

- painted my toe nails
- slept for a cumulative 41 hours since Wednesday (which brought my average for the week up to 6.4 a night-from 3.3 a night)
- went out with friends
- slept
- watched Grey's with another friend
- chilled with a movie and another friend
- slept some more
- had brunch with friends
- went on a sunny walk in the park with friends
- made deviled eggs
- vegged at home with a movie and Mocha (roommate's dog)
- slept even more
- celebrated Easter with friends, fellowship, food, and more rest and more friends
- slept yet again

And now back to work... I really needed that break :)

Operation AB

...is failing miserably. I'm following all the rules, but losing my sanity in the process. Unfortunately, my sanity is indispensable when it comes to academic productivity and this next couple weeks (as well as the last couple) are super intense and not to be trifled with.

So, Operation AB has been temporarily put on hold while I choose the lesser evil:

1. Friend - spend time with him and try to remember that he's not interested... and try NOT to hope that he'll change his mind
2. Aquaintance - re-employ Operation AB and attempt to disconnect from him and by extension my more-than-friend feelings for him

Status:
#1 is extremely difficult, its the road I usually take, and its extremely roller-coastery on my feelings;
#2 may need a longer trial period, but initially induced extreme sadness, insanity and general loss of motivation and productivity...

Six Hours Later

Today I woke up at 5am, left the house at 6am and was in Edwardsville, IL by 7am. In order to received a School Social Work Certification when I graduate in May, I not only have to complete a giganto portfolio, but I also have to take the Basic Skills test that all Illinois teachers take as well as the School Social Worker subject test.

Basic Skills - 3 hours 55 minutes
School Social Worker - 2 hours 5 minutes

Six hours of testing later I walked back to my car in the freezing wind and pondered my day. I had been dreading it. Completely dragging my metaphorical feet. The last time I took a standardized test was the GRE in Florida more than three years ago. I thought I was done with standardized tests and I HATE reading comprehension questions so I was DREADING it.

But really, it wasn't all that bad: long, but not excruciating. And then I realized why. There are two things that were very different this time: meds & tinted lenses.

Twenty-two years... that's how long it took me to figure out that I have ADD and Irlen Syndrome (a light sensitivity). After years of doing well in school, but having a miserable time of it I've finally started to get a handle on my issues and ways to address them.

And while I don't plan to live on meds for the rest of my life, it sure made today a whole lot easier. And my tinted lenses... wow, what a difference with all that reading...

I know its hard for people to understand how hard this grad school thing has all been for me (especially those outside of St Louis), but today I was reminded for myself just how hard its been.

With these tests completed, I'm one big step closer to graduation; to being done with all this work that has been running my life and tossing my emotions at whim.

And when I let myself take in that moment, that tangible step closer to graduation, I start to cry. Its an overwhelming feeling of relief, pain, joy, and utter disbelief. It is only in those moments that I am truly aware of how draining and overwhelming its all been... and how completely impossible it would have been without God's grace.

Failure to Comprehend

On Saturday between 2pm and 6:30pm I wrote a total of 1 sentance on my paper. ONE!

Then on Sunday, I stepped out of youth group for 45 min and wrote an entire page. Then, less than an hour later, I stopped at school before going to open house and wrote another page in less then 30 min.

This morning I woke up, ate breakfast, and then wrote another entire page in about 20 min. After taking a shower, I wrote yet another page. And I haven't even taken my meds yet today!

I DON'T GET IT! I'm very grateful for the productivity, but I JUST DON'T GET IT! So how in the world can I replicate it?!?!?!? Grrr.....

I'm Back

I've been slowly slipping into sadness, exhaustion, distractedness, and mild insanity since I started grad school about a year ago.

About 2 months ago when I started this semester after moving (for the third time in 2007), and without a real break from school because I still have a class from the previous semester hanging over my head, everything went nuts.

Its really hard to describe, but I was definitely not myself and I went into an appointment with my psychiatrist ready to yell at her because my meds weren't working and I couldn't get anything done. Instead of being angry, I ended up in tears as I talked about everything I was dealing with.

She diagnosed me with an Adjustment Disorder (which I had just been learning about in my Differential Diagnosis class), and prescribed an anti-depressant. Looking back, it scares me that I so easily turned to meds, but it really was the best thing I could have done.

When it started to kick in, my mood began to stabilize and I was feeling better... just in time for everything to come to a head when I didn't get a Practicum at a school for next year. By this point, I was numb and could barely take the steps necessary to pursue my options... but at least I didn't crumble in a pile.

Well, I interviewed at another school yesterday and they offered me the job. I didn't feel particularly relieved at the time, but today has felt remarkably different and I've only been up for a couple hours.

Of late, I've been getting up at 7 or 7:30 and then sitting around until I feel guilty enough to shower and stop watching TV (which happened around 10, 11, or 12pm). Today, I turned off the TV promptly at 8am, showered, and had cleaned the kitchen by 9am (and I even took fewer ADD meds this morning).

I turned on the radio and danced to Mariah Carey as I pulled out school work (I have a boatload to do this weekend because I was so unproductive during Spring Break last week). But I had to pause and write about it because I finally feel like myself again...

How to arrive...

...15 minutes early for an interview:

I had a School Social Work Practicum Interview this morning before class. I live in South City and the interview was in North County... not so easy. I looked up directions last night and programmed my route into the traffic checking website so that in the morning, all I had to do was refresh the page to see what traffic was like.

Well, I had class at 10am, and I remembered seeing that I had scheduled the interview for 8am. And I knew that normally, the drive would take 30 minutes, and that with traffic, I would need an additional 15. Well, leaving an hour before the interview sounded ridiculous (this is St Louis, we're talking about... and I'm from California), but I tried to be ready at 7am anyway...

Well, recently, I've been getting up at 7 or 7:30 anyway, but man! I didn't expect 6am to feel so awfully early! I was running a little behind, but I decided that taking the time to make a lunch was important since I would be at school all day and I didn't want to buy something.

Right before I walked out the door, I looked up the traffic and found that there were 10 minutes worth of delays, so I bolted out the door since that's about how much time I had to get there before 8am.

We've been getting a lot of weather in St Louis (I love all the snow... even if it doesn't really stick around), and this morning it was a mixture of small ice pellets and rain... and unfortunately, this weather caused crazy back-ups on the main freeway I needed to take and I didn't know of any other options.

By the time I got there, I had spent an hour on the road, and I had left a message with someone at the office at 8am knowing that it would be better to let them know where I was rather than to just not show up.

I was feeling very embarrassed and frustrated as I found my way to the right office and attempted to calm myself down. The secretary informed me that they were "a little behind" and that I could just have a seat.

A little behind?!? It was 8:15! Well, I sat there for the next 15 minutes, having relaxed a little because they hadn't been waiting on me, and trying not to think about how little time I would have before I had to race off to class.

Around 8:30, one of the women came out (I had previously met her at the Practicum Fair), said hello, and told me that they were running a little behind because the first person was late... and then it hit me: My interview wasn't really at 8am, was it? I immediately pulled out my planner and discovered that my interview had been written in as 8:30am the whole time... I had been 15 minutes early!!!!

If only I were able to trick myself consciously, rather than solely by mistake... ;)

Moment of Relief

Today was hellish, and I should be going to bed instead of blogging or tomorrow may follow suit with today.... but... I just want to reflect for a moment.

I started my day on too little sleep, and then pumped my brain full of caffeine for my last class of this terrible week, knowing that when it ended, my homework nightmare had only begun. After class, I discussed a Medicare policy paper with my professor and managed to get all worked up about my medical bills from my broken foot (long story): Cry #1.

Then, I traveled to an appointment on the other side of campus because I have been completely unable to focus and am now 2 papers behind (NOT NORMAL!). Well, they were running late, but when I did finally go in, I had to explain all of my recent focus difficulties and all the things I've tried: Cry #2.

She then spent quite a bit of time explaining a million options, but all I wanted was for her to say, "I think you should try this, here's what it does and here's the prescription." So when I finally left the appointment, it had been an hour and a half since I had left my car in the metered parking for which I had only paid for 45 minutes. As I walked to my car, the irony did not escape me as I watched them write me a ticket. I tried to plead my case, but he was only doing his job: Cry #3.

I called my supervisor to let her know that I was going to be an hour and a half late, rather than just one hour, but I could not get ahold of her. And then I realized that on my way to practicum I had been planning to drop off the rent check and my 60-day notice that I would not be renewing my lease, which I was supposed to have taken care of days ago, and which I no longer had time for... and the office would likely be closed when practicum was over: Cry #4.

At practicum, the kids were running a muck... the boys that I can usually coach back into the classroom were running and screaming in the halls and dashing out the back door any chance they got. The girls were so angry at one of the teachers (a total miscommunication) that three of them refused to be in the classroom at all and instead fumed and festered in the hallway.

On my way home, I blasted the music and delivered the rent check with attitude to the appropriate mailbox for tomorrow's business hours. And as I pulled into my apartment parking lot, I realized that I had somehow carried the kids anger with me. There is this unmistakable spirit of anger around them ALL THE TIME, and today I was apparently vulnerable enough to let it follow me home.

As I walked up to the building, there was another car parking, so I figured I'd be holding the door for a stranger. But when I tried to open the door and could not get the lock to budge not matter what trick I played with the key, the stranger became my hope. I turned around, hoping that they would come and deal with the door because I couldn't handle one more thing. But the person who had parked had not emerged from their car in the anticipated time frame.

It was only then that the stranger, still talking on his cell phone, emerged from his car, apparently because he could see me fighting with the door. I don't think he believed me that the lock wouldn't budge, but he spoke kindly as he tried his key. When someone opened it from the inside, he smiled and said, "I guess we don't have to worry about it now." And when I grabbed the door, he pushed it open for me and said, "I gotcha." And for a moment, as I walked under his arm and into the building, I felt a wave of relief... someone was taking care of me, and the world was not going to crash down on my head by the sheer weight of it all.

When I reached my apartment and found a form that the apartment owners should have given me weeks ago, it was all over: Cry # 5, 6, & 7.

I finally composed myself, ate dinner, and gathered my things for small group (including the soft pink bear that accompanies me when I'm especially upset - this is a twice-a-year kind of thing). Then my elevator door opened, and out walked my roommate, worried about why I looked so awful. Suddenly, I didn't want to spend the energy to stay composed and instead of going to small group, I recounted my day to my roommate: Cry #8.

And as I wrote all this out it occurs to me that the moment of relief the stranger brought, just by holding the door with his kind smile, did not feel momentous at the time. But looking back on it, even my wording is striking, "someone was taking care of me, and the world was not going to crash down on my head by the sheer weight of it all."

I cannot help but be amazed that, once again, the behavior and words of a stranger reflect the eternal reality I too easily forget.

Question of the Hour

To sleep or not to sleep - that is the question: Whether 'tis more productive for the mind to suffer through the night writing, or to take arms against overwhelmning sleepiness and, by resting, awake refreshed...

Paper With a Side of Tornado

A government policy paper with a side of severe weather tornado watch is not what I ordered for this evening...

Ah, well. It makes life interesting.

I Can Feel It

I've been surprised at my level of interest in all things related to school social work. I nixed becoming a teacher ages ago and assumed that meant all things school-related as well. But it keeps cropping up... in the things I'm interested in... in the things that get me fired up... and in the paper topics I choose.

I'm in a class titled "Social Work in a Public School Setting" and tonight was our second class. We discussed the school structure, federal legislation, funding and many of the other concerns of the School Social Worker.

And the whole time, I had this feeling in the pit of my stomach. It made me think of the feeling I get when I really like a guy... or when I think a guy might like me back... or even just when I'm near him.

It's like this knot in your gut... telling you how much this thing means to you. It feels like a physical representation of something that may be hard to deal with and extremely difficult to understand, but there's nothing you'd rather do than spend time and energy working it all out...

So I guess that's the verdict. I'm going to be a School Social Worker ...because I can feel it.

The Problem Child

I'm only two weeks into the semester and I can already tell which class is going to be the problem child.

I hate policy. I hate government. And I live in a country where I have the privilege to ignore most government functions and still have the freedom to live my life. So its a good thing that I'm so invested in the field of social work because otherwise I would ignore the process of government in the US altogether.

So this problem child... yes, it's my policy class. Ugh.

Since I have crossed De Nile River, I am now skimming the assigned readings for my classes instead of actually attempting to read them. This means that I get reading done twice as fast and am therefore much more motivated to continue. And reading everything has become surprisingly close to painless... with the exception of policy.

When I try to focus on reading policy, I freeze... and end up reading absolutely nothing. And that's what happened this weekend. And this just happens to be the weekend when several other things filled my non-class days (including tomorrow - which is packed)... so my time is short and therefore seemingly useless.

But last weekend I read 400 pages! Can you believe that? 400 pages! That's amazing... unbelievable... so how do we explain that this past weekend, I only read 50? Easy: it's the problem child.

Tomorrow the problem child will be in time out so that Mommy can calm down and figure out what to do... grrr....

What am I...

... getting myself into. So I was looking at my Yahoo homepage today and I was comparing the weather in all the cities I have listed on my page. These include Anaheim, San Diego, and San Jose, CA; Redmond, WA; Cape Coral, FL; and the new addition: St. Louis, MO.

Well, I've been told that Chicago (which terrifies me in winter time) is noticeably colder than St. Louis (which is a city I have only visited in summer). So when I noticed that the high in St. Louis today was 32 degrees (with freezing rain in the forecast), I went to weather.com to learn the weather in Chicago to make myself feel better.

The Chicago temp read 31 degrees (feels like 21 degrees). ACK! That's cold! ...especially for November (granted its practically December...). So then I went to the St. Louis page on weather.com. When I saw that it read 29 degrees (feels like 18 degrees), I had a little mini heart attack!

I'm a California-girl-made-wimp (by four years of school in SoCal & a winter spent in sunny Florida)!

WHAT AM I GETTING MYSELF INTO!?!?!

I GOT IN!!!

Today, I checked the mail twice... and the second time it was there. I saw a large envelope and I grabbed it immediately. And as soon as I saw that it was from WUSTL, I froze. I didn't want to open it... and yet I wanted to know what it said so badly.

So I called my mom. She told me to open it. So I did. I've been accepted and they're giving me $2,000 a semester for 2 years. Its not as much as I had hoped, but maybe its okay. I realized today that I really just don't want to go anywhere else... and so maybe I should just go for it and borrow money from my parents. I'm realizing that money isn't really a big deal... and furthermore, its never an obstacle for God. And this school literally fell out of the sky and into my heart... I didn't even see it coming... and usually for me, that means its where God wants me.

So I'm going. I filled out the FAFSA and looked up apartments today... and I still haven't packed a thing and I'm leaving early in the morning for work... guess who's getting no sleep tonight...

My friends have all had differing reactions. Most were very excited... some just realizing that I'm inevitably leaving and they don't really like it... but they know I should be happy... so I know its okay to be happy.

But I'm also scared. Out. Of. My. Mind. I leave in 6 weeks, so I won't have time to visit or meet anyone that I would be living with. And I've never been to the campus before, though I have been to the city... and I have family nearby... but I'll be alone... totally alone... doing everything for myself... its exciting and terrifying at the same time... but the most exciting part to me is what God's going to do with me.

WUSTL, my Love

I want to be there... its gorgeous... it would be like my very own castle. I want to be the person walking in the picture. I don't know anything for sure yet, but I could hear as early as Monday and I can't wait to know!!! I want to go to Washington University in St. Louis (WUSTL) SOOOOO BAD!!!

And if you're confused about the name... here is what their website says (I highlighted the important points because only I would want to read the whole thing-but definitely scroll down... there are more pictures):

When Washington University in St. Louis was founded in 1853, it was named "Eliot Seminary". That name was given to the new institution by Wayman Crow, the St. Louis businessman and Missouri state senator who was responsible for the introduction of the institution's charter into the state legislature. The name paid tribute to Crow's good friend, St. Louis minister and educator William Greenleaf Eliot. Eliot served as the first Chairman of the Board of Trustees.

Eliot did not approve of the name "Eliot Seminary", and at its first meeting in 1854, one of the first actions of the Board of Trustees was to appoint a subcommittee charged with finding a suitable name for the institution. The committee recommended the name "Washington Institute in St. Louis", and the trustees approved this recommendation. Soon afterward, an act of the Missouri Legislature changed the university's charter to reflect the new name. In February of 1856, the trustees recommended another name change, this time to "Washington University". The university's charter was modified to read "Washington University" in 1857.

The words "in St. Louis" were added to the University's name by trustee action in 1976, in order to better distinguish our institution in the national media. Nationwide, there are approximately 20 institutions which share the Washington name.

Our institution is named for George Washington, the first President of the United States. The early trustees chose this name for two reasons:

The University's charter, was (by a historical coincidence) passed on Washington's birthday: February 22, 1853.
-Washington's service to the nation was an important symbol in the eyes of the trustees.
-Speaking at the university's inauguration in April, 1857, William Greenleaf Eliot said:

It is also a name admirably adapted to the plan proposed, namely, the establishment of an American University, upon the broad foundation of Republican and Christian principles, free from the trammels of sect and party; a University for the people, whom Washington served; to educate the rising generations in that love of country and of our whole country, which the Farewell Address of Washington inculcates, and in that faithfulness to God and Truth which made Washington great.

BEAUTIFUL!


I LOVE old buildings with ivy...

And this is my beloved George Warren Brown School of Social Work

And I have to say that it is much easier to be in love with a school than a boy... you never wonder how the buildings feel about you!