True Friends

There are many people whom I trust. I trust that they would listen to me and care about what I'm going through... but that doesn't mean that they're a true friend to me.

As I meet new friends and re-connect with old ones I'm beginning to notice the things that I choose to tell each of them... and it says so much to me about who my true friends are.

Recently, I did something really stupid and I was embarrassed, to say the least (and no, it has nothing to do with a boy). It didn't effect anyone else, so there was no reason to tell.... but, if you know me, you know that I like to talk about everything... especially things that upset me. I like to be known.

So far, I have only told 3 people about this really stupid thing I did... and I have talked to many of my favorite people recently (though not all of my true friends).

And if you're a friend whom I don't consider a true friend in the sense that I'm defining, that doesn't make you a bad friend. Some of my friends I'm still getting to know and we don't have that level of connection yet. And some friends are intimidating in their level of competence or expectations for themselves. While still others would respond supportively, but I just don't want them to know certain things about me.

There's just something about a level of safety and acceptance that I enjoy with some people that makes it okay to be whoever I am at any given moment and to feel however I feel without apology or shame (because I put enough of that on myself). And when I thought through the people I count as true friends, I realized that nearly all of them do not currently live in St Louis.

And though this was very sad to think about, it helped me understand why I often feel so lonely... and why, maybe for the first time in my life, I've begun to keep things to myself.