I think I get it

I've been wondering for a couple of years, now... why is it that I feel different when I'm with different people? ...why it is that with some friends, I'm extra strange and free, and with others, I feel almost strangled... like being who I am and saying the random things that come to mind just isn't okay. I just thought that some people were overwhelmed by me and others just didn't really know me very well. But I'm thinking more now, that there are two general ways that people respond to me because of how I strike them... maybe this isn't coming out right... but stick with it for a bit...

Okay, so everyone makes fun of me... but sometimes it makes me laugh and sometimes it makes me feel like crying (even though I don't). For a while I thought this was because of my mood or maybe of what I place into the meaning the person had in mind. With some friends, I naturally assume that they don't mean anything mean. So anything they say, no matter how it comes out... I interpret in a more fun/positive way. Others, I may be more wary of... I may wonder if they're annoyed with me... or I may interpret a look or something as negative... but again, I don't think that quite covers it.

I have recently become aware that some of my friends enjoy me and some of them just laugh at me. And there is a distinct difference. The ones that enjoy me just let me be. They may try to calm me down sometimes, but its more to bring me back to earth than to stifle my excitement. They laugh at things I say and do because its funny... and they repeat things I say and do because its funny... and I laugh my head off harder each time.

But then I have other friends who like me, but they seem to laugh at me somehow. I do something dumb or say something unnecessary and instead of enjoying it or just letting it go, they scoff at me. Sometimes its laughter... sometimes its laughter they think I don't see. Usually, its just laughter in general or the sound of crickets and the subject is changed as if to steer away from the intrusion I became. Like I crossed a line... "you're not allowed to cross that line... stay in the box... we like it here.... what's wrong with you?" And then something they laughed at will be brought up again, but somehow it feels mean this time... and I just don't understand why. I know they like me... I know they don't want to hurt me... so why do I get the feeling that I want to flee?

So I think I finally get it. Its more than sensitivity on my part... its not just me... its not just something I have to live with... I chose my friends.

[NOTE: Please don't try to categorize yourself. Please don't think that I'm trying to bring up an issue. Please understand that this is not a mass e-mail, this is just my blog... my thoughts... my attempt to understand my inner-world and the things that affect me.]