I Run To You

...but should I be running from you?

I thought I had it down: boys to avoid in dating relationships. And maybe I do, I just haven't been able to directly test that theory in recent years. However, I have somehow overlooked the fact that there should be a category of "boys to avoid in close friendships", as well.

He's my longest and closest friend here in St Louis. When I get sad or freak out, he's the one I want to talk to, and I tend to find his couch when I need to just sit and cry. And he's great when I freak out (which has been found to overwhelm people).

BUT... the rest of the time I spend with him is pretty hit-and-miss as far as meaningful communication is concerned. He's only affectionate towards me when he's drinking... and there aren't any other girls to pay attention to. Fine by me, I DON'T want to date him... or do I?

A couple weeks ago, after making out with his roommate for the third time, I started to ponder: WHY am I doing this? I don't kiss guys who aren't my boyfriend! And when I traced the decisions that led to me making out with his roommate, though it wasn't about making him jealous, I still found that they all revolved around him!

And suddenly it all made sense: why have I spent countless hours sitting on his couch just hanging around while he played video games? Why do I drive 30 minutes to see him twice a week and he only comes to visit me twice a year? Why do I let him say hurtful things to me and just brush them off without a second thought? Why am I so intent on "being there for him" when he hardly ever seems interested in going out of his way for me? And why do I let him guilt and manipulate me into countless unhealthy interactions?

The only logical answer to these questions isn't remotely logical, but its the only one that fits: I'm in love with him. I was honestly clueless (unlike everyone around me) until a couple weeks ago and now all I can think about is what in the world I'm supposed to do about it.

Do I avoid him? Do I confront him? Do I yell and scream and tell him I'm done being his footstool? So far I've covered crying, waiting for him to initiate interactions, and yelling practice speeches in my car... I can't help that I miss him, and at the same time hate the way he treats me... so what now?