Allowing yourself to believe that “something’s happening” because of all the “evidence” without any specific words spoken between you about relationship status is never a good idea and not likely to end well.
Since I was in 3rd grade, my parents and I have gone out to lunch after church with family friends. It started with one other family and Taco Bell; when a third family was added we progressed to Hobbie’s and Country Gourmet. By the time I was in high school, four to six families would join us at LeBoulanger each week. In addition to our weekly brunch, we also celebrated all holidays together, went skiing in the winter, and spent a week camping in Tahoe each summer. These friends became our extended family and their children were at times more like cousins or siblings to me, the extroverted only child.
Eventually, the kids (most of us in high school by that time) would bring other friends to lunch, sitting separately from the parents: far enough away to manage our own conversational topics, but close enough to ensure that we were not financially responsible for our meal. And long before Grey’s Anatomy aired, McDreamy began to join our group. Though I did not take particular notice of him at the time, his family became part of our unique family while I was six hours away as a freshman in college (his senior year in high school). His family did not join us on our annual camping trip until three years later, the summer I broke up with my college boyfriend.
Two weeks before our Tahoe trip that year, one of the daughters was getting married in her college town. As the extended family we had become, three families traveled down together for the wedding festivities. Though we had planned to meet up and create a “kid’s” car for the drive, there were only four of us on this trip: one was sick, and the other two were already in the same car. Previously, I had made a big deal about the “kid’s” car because of the countless family trips I had spent bored out of my mind as an only child. However, I no longer wanted to make a big deal about it because McDreamy and his younger brother were the one’s I would be joining, and up until this point I had spent very little time with them. Encouragement and insistence from McDreamy soon overshadowed my embarrassment and I agreed to travel shotgun while his parents rode in the car with my parents. His brother slept or ignored us the whole trip and I’m sure that by the time we reached the hotel five hours later, I had a crush on McDreamy.
Prior to the wedding and aside from regular pre-wedding festivities, we kids (now mostly college-age) spent all of our free time swimming in the pool, hanging out in the boys’ hotel room, lounging in the Jacuzzi, or running around at the beach. We even convinced the guys to let us paint their toenails, and I still have the pictures to prove it.
The wedding was just as much fun as the rest of our trip had been and I spent a good portion of my energy focused on trying to understand the behaviors of McDreamy. After I had completed my guest book responsibilities, the bride’s brother, McDreamy, and I were the only one’s left to enter the church for the ceremony to start. McDreamy insisted on us going ahead of him, and I later saw a picture of the bride’s brother escorting me into the church among his picture collection. Later, at the reception, McDreamy magically appeared in the seat next to mine. He took a million pictures with his chic little camera; dressed in his suit for the occasion, he looked a lot like James Bond on a spy mission. And despite the fact that I failed to coax McDreamy onto the dance floor, this trip supplied its share of “evidence” that he was interested in me.
By the time we returned from camping in Lake Tahoe, I had fallen head over heals for McDreamy. Having spent the entire month together, it seemed natural that we started planning additional parties together and e-mailing regularly. I returned to college on the semester schedule while he waited for his quarter to start, and our e-mails and phone conversations only increased. He called at least once a week and we were exchanging anywhere from two to nine e-mails a day. One such e-mail particularly stood out to me because of its glowing praise and compliments toward me as its subject.
At this point I felt that I had sufficient evidence to conclude that he was interested, but was choosing to wait and give me more time to heal from my recent break-up. For a while, this conviction alone sustained me. I had never before felt that sure about a guy’s feelings for me. We even formulated an elaborate plan to have all of our friends meet in a central location to spend part of a weekend together. And I was convinced that the whole point was for us to see each other. However, eventually I decided that it was time for a DTR (Defining The Relationship). During our next weekly phone conversation, I panicked a little because it struck me that he wasn’t really talking to me in a way that seemed to support my conclusion. So, determined to find the truth, I broached the subject as subtly yet specific as I could.
He was silent, then responded with a ginger, “No… I’m sorry…. I don’t feel that way about you…” He was flabbergasted, and I was crushed. I pretended that I was fine and recovered the conversation from Awkwardville better than I would have anticipated. After re-interpreting the previous three months of my life, I wrote him this e-mail:
[McDreamy]-
I'm sorry if it was weird for you to hear that one more of your friends is thinking things that you don't reciprocate. But honestly, I think you can take it as a big huge compliment because you're an awesome guy and we just can't help ourselves ;-).
And I want you to know that it meant a lot to me that you wanted to talk tonight. In fact, it has a lot more meaning to me as your friend because of the fact that you had no other intentions. The truth is that girls just aren't used to having a guy purposefully and personally seek them out as a friend unless he has further romantic intentions. If friendships are convenient and easy, then they happen (at least that's been the majority of my experience with guys).
And I can tell that you're probably not going to be weird about all this, but I just want you to know that the analyzing switch is off. I don't want you to worry about how you act toward me because nothing you do will mean anything but the fact that you're a fun and awesome friend. I have so much fun just laughing with you, and I definitely don't want to lose that.
Platonically yours,
Michal
I continued to have feelings for McDreamy on and off over the next three years, but as strange as it may sound, we actually grew closer as friends after that experience.
Now
McDreamy is currently dating and planning to marry a wonderful girl. Though our communications are few and far between, I still consider him to be one of my best friends and I’m looking forward to seeing the two of them when they stop in to visit me on their annual trip to my area.
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