My First Attempt

So today was the day.

I was absolutely determined.

And when the time came, I chickened.

I was going to ask Tall, Dark, and Adorable if he wanted to go to a concert for my friend's band this weekend. I even had a piece of paper in my purse that I didn't need anymore, so I could rip off a piece and write my number on it. And I knew what I was going to say if he turned me down. I even practiced my "casual" speech in the car on the way to see him this morning.

But the moment I saw him, my confidence waned a little. He seemed older than I remember... not in a "not attractive" way, but in an "out of my league, not interested in people my age" kind of way.

Even then, I hadn't changed my plan. I was going to wait until he was saying goodbye (because it was the last time I would see him) and then bring it up... but it didn't feel right. The words were right there, ready to come out, and I just couldn't do it. I don't quite know how to explain it, but it almost felt like it would have been disrespectful to him if I had followed through.

I guess I shouldn't be surprised. It was the first time I even considered asking a guy out and since when do I expect to get something right on the first try? ...oh, wait, I always expect that... but I shouldn't.

And when push comes to shove, its not really "me". That doesn't mean that I shouldn't stretch myself in that way and consider other options... it just means that this kind of shift may take more time, and if I jump into a role I think I should be able to play, I won't really be myself. It will probably take time to be ready to play that role and I don't want to "act"... I just want to be myself... and right now, asking a guy out just isn't part of that.

So was I wise or did I just rationalize chickening out?

I think either one is okay with me.