To Be... or not to be

What is it to be, or not to be... a friend?

I'm beginning to learn that there are many ways that we make each other bad friends. I think this is particularly a problem with the social-worker-type.

We spend so much energy trying to see and understand the people around us. We want everyone to feel accepted and cared for... except ourselves.

We want to be easy-going and forgiving and encouraging. And this is all great... except when it keeps us from expressing things that are hurting, frustrating, or bothering us.

We know that venting is important for psychological health, but we usually limit it to homework frustrations and respectful monologues about a person who we do not "enjoy" as much as other people.

When I get upset by someone and not just something, I always try to look at the intention of the person. Sometimes people really mean to be nice, but it hits you wrong... or someone has no animosity, but something they said came across really confrontational to you.

Usually, for me, focusing on their actual intentions and what I know of their character is enough for me to get over whatever was bothersome. Usually...

The problem comes when we continue to be bothered and we say nothing. When we say nothing to our friends about a pain we're dealing with (whatever the cause), I think we actually make them bad friends. Especially if they are a close friend, they are unable to be a good friend to us when we withhold our pain:

1. If they have hurt us ~ we keep them from apologizing for something they never intended or altering their behavior (if applicable) so that they no longer hurt us in a way they would never want to

2. something else hurt us ~ we keep a part of ourselves locked away so that they cannot know us on the deep level that they wish to; and we keep them from being able to support us in the way that they would want to and we need them to

Keeping things in this way really hurts us. And we usually rationalize that we can handle it, and that its better that way, rather than upsetting the other person.

But as I've been specifically pondering this recently (not because of any one specific situation), I've come to the conclusion that this rationalization is really stupid. But even if we can't bring ourselves to talk about something for our own emotional health, then we should do it for the sake of our friends. Because we all want to be good friends. And part of being a good friend is allowing our friends to be good friends to us.