A Constant

For those of you who don't know, I'm in a very liberal MSW program at one of the most liberal schools in the country. I knew coming in that this would be a completely new school and social environment for me. That's what I wanted, and that's why I came.

What I didn't grasp beforehand was the depth and breadth of the effect that this environment would have on my faith, my way of thinking about social work, about government, and on my interactions with people who don't share my beliefs (scratch that: people who hate my beliefs because of their experience of the world and other people who have held those beliefs).

And its been AMAZING! God has come alive to me in the darkest corners of this world in ways I'd never dreamed of. He's opened my eyes and my heart to many issues that I had not considered before. He's challenging the logic and ideas behind the political views I had taken for granted. And as I've previously written, slowly but surely He is showing me what it means to love people.

This week in class we were talking about liberal versus conservative political views, the fundamental differences between them, why our school is almost completely of the liberal mindset, and how that effects conservative students.

I get a cold feeling in my shoulders every time an issue tied to religious beliefs comes up in class. I thought that after a while, this would go away. I thought it was fear of what people were going to assume of me (and by extension the One I hold my beliefs about), and that once they got to know me and I them, this fear would go away.

But the reality is that I will never be able to get to know everyone I come into contact with. I will never get to spend enough time with everyone who crosses my path so that they understand me accurately. And though I spend a great deal of energy translating the practical manifestations of my religious philosophy into social-work-speak, so that conversation is facilitated rather than interrupted, I know that I will still be misunderstood.

This happened in class yesterday, and I was very distraught about the whole thing. I kept playing in my mind how I should have worded it, and how I would have liked to have responded to the comment that was made in response to mine (though at the time, I didn't even know the comment was in response to what I had said because I had not realized that I had conveyed something different than what I had intended).

But I have to say that I like the pressure. Sure, its terrifying to sit there as someone begins to make a point. I'm frozen in silence, listening for assumptions, and probing my own thoughts for the acceptable social-work translation of my response.

And as the cold feeling moves through my shoulders each time a discussion begins, I am reminded of the significance and meaning behind what I say, why I say it, and how I say it. This reverence for my position as a messenger-of-sorts easily fuels my feelings of personal responsibility when I fail. But God does not need me to do whatever work He desires in this world.

Its really not about me. And its really not about political views. And its not even about religious philosophies. Its about reality. Its about what really is, versus what we want to see. And if we are honest with ourselves, I think we all try very hard to see what we want to see... because we fear what might actually be.

But I'm done with that fear. No matter its form, I want truth.