I've felt like crying a lot lately. Not like I'm holding it in... but like I need to cry because I'm dazed and numb over the things going on in my life. There's nothing major... so it really doesn't feel like I should cry about it... but I need to. But I feel like to cry about it is to be over dramatic about it all... but at this point I think that would be healthier than the blank numbness I feel as I fill my life with social activities and my favorite TV shows.
I wanted to spend a year in England but was unable to make that happen.
So I moved to Florida as a Nanny only to be replaced by someone better after four months.
I had to leave two adorable boys who threw a fit when I left.
I had to leave my church without even being able to say goodbye.
I had to leave my group of friends in Florida without even being able to properly get to know them.
I tried to stay in Florida but failed to find a job or people to live with.
I've been home for three weeks and have only applied for one job.
I don't know what I'm supposed to be doing or where I should even be looking... so I've stopped looking.
I can't even finish a simple graduate school application and I don't feel ready to go back to grad school right now... but I feel like I should be.
I'm still carrying so much pain and bitterness from a relationship I ended a year and a half ago.
And I've allowed myself to feel let-down by six guys since then.
I seem to waste my days with nothingness and I can't even make the time to spend intentional time in prayer.
And I have a job interview in the morning for a job I'm terrified that I might not be capable of...
I know God has a purpose for all of this, but right now I just feel crummy. I feel like I've failed in so many ways and to top it all off I'm not being intentional about my relationship with God... which really would make everything a lot easier to accept and understand.
1 comment:
My Dear Muffin, I too have felt like crying a lot since being back from NYC. Why stay in SoCal? What's stopping me from packing up with Chanel and moving to SoHo? Why can't there just be one damn guy? Why can't I have just one things that I want?
I wish I could say something more comforting, something deep and hits right at the heart of where you're at. But take Heart, God is big. I think He understands our need for distance sometimes. Not that that condones it, but when you're frozen in pain, how're you supposed to move towards Him to defrost? It takes a push from Him, and hopefully when we crash and fall into a thousand pieces, it'll be before Him, you know? The only place where being broken makes us somehow whole again, even if in the distant someday.
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