Constant Fear

You know what I realized today? I live in constant fear that people don't like me... or that I might do something and they'll stop liking me... or that they're mad at me, but they won't tell me... or that they don't really care a wit about me, they just pretend to.

There are a few people that I trust to tell me when something's wrong... but even with them I have to talk myself out of questioning their feelings towards me on occasion... and I hate it! And though I do account for temperment differences amidst my general paranoia, I shouldn't need constant approval from my friends to believe that they still like me... that's so weird... and it screams MAJOR INSECURITY, but I've never seen myself as an insecure person... I've always believed that I'm on the positive side of that spectrum, but maybe I'm not.

Its just that anytime I get a hint of a negative/unhappy/frustrated/
annoyed vibe from anyone (even a fellow driver in the car next to me, behind me or in front of me), I'm paranoid that they're upset with me or its something I did that upset them. Or if I overhear someone talking... if it sounds like they could be talking about me I freak out... and I'm always paranoid that people might be talking about me because they're annoyed for whatever reason.

And last week I tried to tell myself that this was just really juvenile of me... I'm not the center of everyone's world and so they're not talking about me... I'm just being silly... and if I didn't do anything that I know of, then its not my problem until they tell me somethings wrong. But the problem is that I've overheard conversations about me before... really upsetting ones... and maybe that's why I'm so paranoid... or maybe that just fueled my fears.

I just really want to know the truth... especially the truth about how people feel about me... I can handle the truth. Ya, it may hurt, but its the truth... its reality... so you face it and move on. Its the vague unsureness that kills me... the things that are hidden are so much more scary because they could be really really horrible and I can't help imagining them as such. And I know that if someone was mad or hurt because of something they thought I did, we would be able to resolve it because I never meant to hurt them or I didn't have the intentions they assumed and therefore we appologize and move on.

I never realized how much these fears effected me before... I've always noticed them here and there, but I never really realized how constant and far-reaching they are in my life... and I don't know what to do about it... I guess I'll just keep reading this book... and talking to God about it... because I know its not you guys... I know its me... and I know Satan loves to mess with me...

And I guess this terrifying unsureness ties in with all my crushes as well. I constantly watch their behavior to find hints that they might like me because that's always what I'm hoping for. But if I come across something really negative, my hopes plummet and I'm suddenly terrified that I've gone too far and made them uncomfortable and now they're annoyed and they want to avoid me... and then not only have my hopes been dashed, but I've lost a friend as well... and possibly created a really awkward situation.

But if I find a way to confront the guy and he says, "Sorry, I just don't feel that way about you..." then I turn off all the switches in my brain so that his behavior can only be registered as friendly and then we become great friends. How much easier is that!?! But apparently, there aren't too many guys that can handle that because I've been advised against it on more than one occassion... though I've had the opportunity (or created it) three times now and each time turned out well... at least for my sanity if not for the friendship... so that makes me really tempted to repeat it... because, if nothing else, it alleviates part of the unknown.