Constant Fear II

The more I read Waking the Dead and the more I tried to analyze what goes on in my heart, the more I realized that I was right about my self-esteem... its not the source of these fears. I have these fears because Satan wants to wound me in the place where I find the most joy on earth: my relationships.

I'm beginning to realize what a re-occurring theme this has been in my life... and its scary. I mean, I know there's a spiritual battle going on, but its so subtle (I know that's the point) that it comes in the form of the things you think about yourself or the conclusions you make in response to the way someone treats you. And its even more scary to think that Satan has used people close to me to hurt me in big ways (that I won't go into here) all of my life because that's his aim to disable me.

The message he's been trying to drill into me is that I'm too difficult to really love... I'm too emotional, too anal, too opinionated, too hyper, too obsessive, too talkative, too honest, too bold, too demanding... not thoughtful enough, not productive enough, not responsible enough, not healthy enough, not helpful enough, not humble enough... and the list goes on...

And I know I have to fight it, but it almost feels impossible to be that aware of my thoughts that I reject the ones that will harm me because they're not what God wants me to believe about myself. I guess I'm just glad I'm not fighting it alone.