Some of you may think I'm crazy and this may not make sense to you at all, but for the last couple months I have been overcome with the pervasive feeling of failure.
In 2010 I got a full-time job, I lost 60 pounds and I ran a half-marathon.
Since then, I have gained half of the weight back (though I still have maintained significantly more muscle), the paperwork aspect of my job is consistently difficult for me to manage due to my ADHD and anxiety issues around writing, I can barely drag my butt to the gym twice a week for training (let alone another 3-4 times a week for good measure), my good eating habits went haywire about a year ago and I STILL haven't been able to gain control and I continue to revert back to what I call "eating my feelings". Add to that the fact that my heart has been broken more than once in 2011, I packed up my life and moved while working full-time, AND my digestive system is on the fritz (due to stress and possibly an untreated food intolerance running a muck)...
TADA! Feelings of failure abound!
...and its all because I SHOULD on myself ALL the time. With almost a year of this job under my belt, I SHOULD be able to create the structure I need to stay up to date on my paperwork. Now that I am halfway through my 29th year of life, I SHOULD have had a steady boyfriend... at some point... in the last 7 years... or better yet I SHOULD be married by now. After becoming fit, healthy, comfortable in my own skin, and-dare I say it-athletic, I SHOULD have found a way to keep the weight off even with a full-time job.
Through all of this, I can't help but wonder: What's wrong with me!?!?
2 comments:
My multipart and scatterbrained response while working on little sleep, and decongestants :)
http://www.nytimes.com/2011/09/25/fashion/sometimes-its-not-you-or-the-math-modern-love.html?_r=1&src=me&ref=general
As for the paperwork, that is hard even if you're not struggling with ADHD. Agencies. Ugh.
The important thing about the food & fitness wagon isn't the falling off, but the getting back on.
You are NOT a failure. You can reclaim as much or as little of that lifestyle as you want. I know you and I know you can do whatever you set your mind to.
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