That's the only way to describe it: shock. Jason called me today. Yes, the Jason. The Jason that I haven't been in contact with at all for almost a year (very purposefully). The Jason who I have seen once in almost two years. The Jason who lives in another state and would never be able to interact with me in an accidental manner.
Jason called... Jason called today... I keep repeating it and it still doesn't seem like it actually happened. And yet what he told me makes the former shock pale in comparison.
His father died this morning. A rapid-growth brain tumor that they found out about less than two months ago. Two months. Why do our parents keep doing this? It seems like since I graduated from high school, everytime I turn around somebody's parent is dying... somebody my age! We're not old enough for this!!! This is crazy!
Though the second news is less "life altering" in the grand scheme of things... it will alter my daily life more than the first news. Jason told me that he's sorry. Sorry for some of the ways he reacted to me in our relationship... the things he did and said... he doesn't know why he did them, now, because they don't make sense looking back... and he understands why I was hurt. And he's sorry.
I was in so much shock at the time that I hardly reacted. "Thanks" was probably all that came out. I couldn't think. I couldn't process. Here was a guy who I had cared about so much... who I had never been enough for... and whose heart I had crushed in my hands. It wasn't until after the break-up that the pain of the "good" parts of the relationship hit me. We were a mess. All wrong for each other and blind to our own pre-existing wounds... so we continued to inflict more... determined to make the other person who we needed them to be.
And we tried to be what the other person needed... or at least what we thought the other needed. And in the midst of it I lost myself... and I blamed him... and as soon as I had the strength I ran as far away from him as I could. I wanted to forget. I tried so hard to forget. But I couldn't get away from the memories... all of them... good, but mostly now bad ones haunted me... my regrets... the pain from things he'd said... done... hadn't said.... hadn't done... things I shouldn't have done... shouldn't have said... things I should have said... or should have done... trying to push it all away and move on with my life, while taking the good lessons with me so that I wouldn't have to return.
And I thought I would have to do it without his remorse... knowing he believed that I was the main problem, and still moving on and letting it go.
But he apologized... he said he was sorry... and I'm in shock.
4 comments:
oh my Lord...
THE Jason...
apologized...
I'm in shock.
I'm so sorry for him that a death so close to him finally allowed him to do this. Poor Jason, my heart truly does ache for him and his family.
Oh yea... I'M IN SHOCK.
He called. That was a blow to his pride.
I'M IN SHOCK
I had no idea (still no idea) of the magnitude of his apology, but I'm glad he did it. Maybe next time it won't take a death in the family the next time for him to recognize when he's f-ed up.
One clarification: He's been realizing this over the last year and had been wanting to contact me, but I had basically told him that he better leave me alone... so it was his Dad dying that gave him the "excuse" to call me (if you can call it that) not the realization or motivation to apologize.
Wow! That was quite the conversation! I'm sorry to hear about his dad, but I'm glad that it brought him to the point of apologizing. I think this will help you to move on and past everything--maybe with a little less anger directed at him as well.
Post a Comment