The Hysterical Rant

When I hysterically rant and ramble about everything that is even a minor annoyance or frustration in my life, I know I'm stressed.

This morning, I was ranting.... from my papers to the pharmacist I dealt with last week.... from the look my dad gave me before I went to the store to the endless number of things this weekend that I will not be able to fully enjoy because of my papers.

They're all written... I got the hard part done three weeks ahead of time... or so I thought. Apparently, I've never truly been through the editing process... because it is taking me ee-ons! A lot of it is my busy schedule and my complete and utter inability to focus on them when I can actually make the time. The tinted glasses help the screen not be so irritating to look at, but they don't help my brain focus on what I need to do on the screen.

UGH! I was so frustrated last night that I just went to bed (because part of the problem is that I'm really truly exhausted)... and usually, I feel much better in the morning.... but not today. Today... this morning.... when I should have been getting ready for work so that I could be early (and therefore leave early and beat the traffic)... I was ranting to my mother... I usually yell and wave my arms and pace a lot... mind you, I'm not yelling at her... I'm usually just yelling about myself...

So ya... I'm frustrated! I have family coming in this weekend, a cousin who lives in the same city who I haven't seen for over a week (trust me, that's a long time), weekly meetings with friends who I keep having to put off, a graduate application due Sunday (and 2 missing references that I can do nothing to move along... aahhhhhh!!!!!), and a friend from down south stopping in who I would really like to just spend the whole weekend with..... AHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!

And all I'm doing is praying for sanity, peace, patience, trust, and understanding about what in the world is wrong with me and what I should be doing about it. A friend gave me a verse the other day and it has helped me a lot.

Proverb 19:21 - Many are the plans in the mind of a man, but it is the purpose of the
Lord that will stand.

And this is such a comfort to me because I have all these plans... but I can take comfort and know that God's purposes (which are better than anything I could come up with anyway) for my life and for those around me will ultimately come about... and I'm not going to be a hinderance and I don't need to worry about being the one who makes it all happen... that's not my job. And thank goodness for that because look how I get when all I'm doing is writing two essays... we'd be in real trouble if I ran the world... I think it would only take an hour (maybe less) before I'd roll up into a ball, rocking and humming to myself.

Currently, I'm okay. My lunch is almost over and I've been editing a little on my second paper (I can't even think about the first one right now... )... and then I'll go home, start my laundry and edit.... and then I'll drive to Gilroy.... oh boy!

I really think I'm crazy... and I think I'm going to make an appointment with a Psychiatrist. In light of my complete inability to focus, I need to just make sure that I don't have ADD.... or some other form of something that medication can help... because there's NO WAY I want to live like this in grad school.... I won't do it! I refuse!