Helplessly Blushing

As it is painfully obvious: I blush... a lot. But as some of you may not know, when I blush, its not just my face that gets red... my arms get flushed, too. And I haven't really paid much attention to my blushing reflex until recently... because someone has begun to make me blush much more often than usual.

Yes, its a new person whom I have not previously alluded to... get over it. When I crush on a guy who's all wrong for me, my head catches hold of my heart fairly quickly and I get over it and move on to crushing on another guys who's all wrong for me. At least the ways in which they are wrong for me are getting more diverse... somehow that's encouraging, though maybe it shouldn't be.

So this guy... let's call him Johnny (in honor of a certain Fantastic Four character -don't worry, Katie, his name doesn't really start with a "J")... is... well, what is he? Johnny's an encouraging, say-it-like-it-is kind of guy. When I push, he pushes back... but he doesn't push me away or push me because he thinks I should stop pushing. Johnny's pretty cute, too, when he bothers to shave... and he's tall...

When he's particularly enjoying my company, he tells me. When he thinks I need encouragement because I'm especially frustrated over past relationships with guys, Johnny gives it to me. When I joke, Johnny laughs. When I laugh, he laughs. When I ask him questions about his not-so-perfect past, he answers without hesitation. When Johnny flirts, I blush... or laugh... or flirt back... and then he smiles at me... and that smile is just for me... and that makes me blush... and smile... even more. And God has used Johnny in so many ways to encourage me over the last couple weeks because frankly... I've been pretty miserable.

Sounds great, right? Well, that is the part that hooks me. And I want that... I love that attention... there's nothing I want more right now than a guy like that.

But that's not all Johnny is... He's also a smoker... and he has a job, but no place except a hotel to sleep in most of the time. He's moved away from his past, but not enough to go back and make things right with some people he has wronged along the way. And Johnny's just a boy... and the playfulness is fun... but only to a point. And when he reaches that point, he runs past it laughing... just when you need him to suck it up and be a man. And I need a man... not a boy.

...and if you can't accept all of him... or you don't enjoy all of the strange facets of his personality... I strongly believe that you shouldn't be dating him... even if you happen to have a crush on him against your will.

But with this new crush I have begun what I know will be a long process: accepting the fact that I tend to fall for guys very easily... even when I know it would be no good for me to date them.

I've always known this about myself, mind you. The key is letting that be okay... because that's who I am right now... and maybe I will continue this way until the right guy comes along... and whether its right or wrong... healthy or stupid... its still how I am and how I feel... and that's okay... because God is not in the business of telling us we're bad (His presence alone makes us aware of that)... God is in the business of helping us become ourselves the way He has always intended us to be. And nothing gets in the way of that more than Satan's insistence on paralyzing us with shame and shoulds... so I say

Let Go

drink up baby down
mmm, are you in or are you out?
leave your things behind
'cause its all going off without you
excuse me, too busy, writing your tragedy
these mishaps you bubble wrap
when you've no idea what you're like

so let go, so let go, jump in, oh well whatcha waiting for?
its alright 'cause there's beauty in the breakdown
so let go, let go, just get in, oh its so amazing here
its alright 'cause there's beauty in the breakdown

it gains the more it gives and it rises with the fall
so hand me that remote
can't you see that all that stuff's a side show
such boundless pleasure
we've no time for later now
you can't await your own arrival
you've twenty seconds to comply

so let go, so let go, jump in, oh well whatcha waiting for?
its alright 'cause there's beauty in the breakdown
so let go, let go, just get in, oh its so amazing here
its alright 'cause there's beauty in the breakdown

-Frou Frou