So what is it with our brains? Or maybe its just mine. Maybe OTM really should be a technical term and not just a joke from junior high... and high school (I was often stated to have an One Track Mind... for guys). And there's just someone who keeps creeping back into my head... against my will! Grrrr!
Its the pink elephant that you're trying not to think about but simply trying not to, you focus on it more (its a Psych principle, I promise... just not really in those terms). So, I'm stuck in the room trying to ignore the anomaly of an elephant... and its painful to sit there because thinking about pink elephants is unpleasant for me because there is only irrational hope to cling to... it can't be fixed... and I should just get up and leave the room but I'm so distracted by the elephant that I can't even think of where else I could go... its like the room and the elephant are all that exist at that moment...
It feels like my brain is running circles just for the fun of it and I have no say... maybe its a chemical pattern my brain likes... maybe subconsciously I reinforce it... whatever the cause I want it to go away! Why don't they have drugs for this... hey, I bet a lobotomy would help... I'd just end up a compliant vegetable for the rest of my life... hmm... not really a favorable solution.
However, I am an advocate of drugs (in the strictly legal sense, of course). At the first sign of pain, I take a pain killer... I don't like pain. And sometimes I really wish there was a pain killer for emotional pain. When something happens, what if I don't want to deal!?! I mean, I'm an advocate of emotional health and everything, but it disrupts everything in my life and sometimes that's just so inconvenient that I really wish there was a pill to push the emotional volcano to the back of the line and tell it to wait its turn!
Okay, not that this would help me because its not like I'm pressed for time right now.... which is great by the way... but I am alone an awful lot.... I guess I should just call people more often. And no, this isn't because extreme extroverts can't handle being alone.... its not the handling part I mind... in fact I've really been enjoying my solitude (go ahead... a couple people need to either faint or let their jaw drop to the floor).
Its just that I process things best out loud and with feedback. So when I'm spending more time thinking in my head and so little time talking out loud about all my thoughts, things get a little icky and distorted and then I get listless and the pattern of thought takes over... and then I lose all semblance of motivation to do anything but sit and mope and I stay up for countless hours more frustrated with myself every moment.
Maybe the men in white coats should come pick me up... do you think they'll have kitties at the farm? I like kitties...
3 comments:
I like kitties too. Have you tried journaling as a means of venting? It doesn't exactly help one get out of one's own head, but it does make you put words to your emotions. That way they're not these masses of feelings inside you, but can be pinned down and looked at and thought about--a lot like in couseling. Just a thought.
Ya... and I do that... it helps but I also need someone there who can say, "well, what about this?" or "no, Michal, that doesn't make sense" because otherwise I get lost in the feelings regardless of whether I can put words to them or not.
Kitties are fun. Except when they stomp all over you when you're trying to sleep.
I know how you feel about needing someone to give feedback.
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