Ever since I was in 4th grade (at least that's the first time I recall thinking this way), I've been anxiously waiting for the man I'm going to marry.
When I was 10, I went to New York City and bought a white polar bear at FAO Schwartz and named it FH (Future Husband). I still sleep with that stuffed animal tucked under my arm every night.
In Junior High I had a crush on every other guy I knew.
When I was a freshman in High School I remember playing two specific love songs every night as I stared out my window dreaming about and wishing to find my soul mate.
As a junior, I would put this one specific song on repeat and fall asleep to it playing on my stereo.
As a freshman in college, I learned that my first boyfriend was not who God had for me to marry. Later that year, God placed someone else in my life who soon appeared to be just right for me. As most of you know, we dated for two years and had every intention of getting married. I was so content just knowing who I was going to be spending the rest of my life with and enjoying that companionship.
But as you also know, that wasn't God's plan. Last summer, God told me that my second boyfriend was not the person He wanted me to spend my life with. And despite what he thinks, breaking up with him was the hardest thing I've ever had to do; not only because of how much it hurt me, but because of how much I knew I would be hurting him.
I was then left with a big black hole. And I was back to not knowing who was going to be my husband. I keep thinking, "Who in the world is going to be crazy enough to marry me? Only God knows and He's not telling." And the only reason I'm convinced that there will be a husband is because of this deep longing I have felt for the majority of my life. It is distinctly different from my longing for God.
Currently I am surrounded by couples. I have very few friends who are not dating or married. And honestly... they're not the reason I'm freaking out about this right now. I am so happy for every single one of them because relationships make me happy (even when they involve my ex-boyfriends).
And I don't exactly know where I'm going with all this, but the fact that I don't know who God has for me and I am currently living my life without him really got to me today. And even before I ever had a boyfriend, it's always felt like I knew him and then lost him and can't wait to have him back. And I know God has a plan for all this, but the bottom line is that I'm just really tired of living life without my best friend.
1 comment:
I know exactly how you feel. I keep telling myself it doesn't matter whether or not I have a bunch of boyfriends, so long as I find the right guy, but quite truthfully I'm afraid I might never find him--and that terrifies me. So many people go through life without falling in love and I can't help but wonder if God plans this for some people--I mean, it seems so unfair. Then again, maybe if you don't fall in love on earth you will in Heaven.....do you think that's possible? I'm not sure, but it IS a lovely thought. I also wonder whether God makes sure we end with the right person regardless or if he just gives a push in the right direction and prays we get it right. I wonder......
And by the way, I wouldn't worry about you finding your soulmate. You seem to have a very strong connnection to God, and I'm positive he has someone special for you. I'm sure you two will meet when you're ready to.
Peace be with you.
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