Night of Tears

Last night I tried to go to bed a little before midnight, but I couldn't sleep. I felt wide awake and my mind wouldn't stop. So I went out on the deck and sat on the swing waiting. I don't think I knew what I was waiting for: someone to talk to or feelings of sleep. A couple of my guy friends were around, but they went off to do their own thing after asking why I was just sitting there. And then I sat there wanting for them to come back because I wanted to talk to someone.

And that's when I realized how much I miss Jason. I miss having someone want to know what's on my mind. I miss being able to share all the little menial things that mean so much to me. I have my close girlfriends, but Jason and I were closer than that due to the exclusivity of the relationship. And I was finally able to cry again. I cried because its over and I'm left with this lonely feeling that I'm now trying to reckon with.

And then around 2am another guy friend of mine (who had been in and out of his room the whole time I'd been sitting there), asked me what was on my mind, so I told him. I was glad to have someone to talk to, but I was flaberghasted to find that he had been hand picked by God to talk to me. He had recently broken up with his girlfriend as well, and was definitely feeling the loss of a close friend.

We talked about how you feel God's love more tangibly through that other person, and when they're gone, you have to learn to feel God's love differently again and its hard. When he said goodnight, I felt much better and I went up to bed, too. I hadn't known why I felt that I needed to be out on the deck for two hours in the middle of the night, but God knew, and He was there to speak to me when I couldn't listen through the silence.