My Rollercoaster

This is a poem I wrote on May 9, 2002.

As I sit and write these words on the page,
I feel so weak and tired I can't stand.
Why do I feel like I am in a cage?
And no one seems to truly understand.

Sometimes I'm up and the sky's the limit;
I'm hyper so I want to laugh and sing.
Then it seems like nothing could alter it.
Found my joy and to it will always cling.

Now comes the crash of my sleepless, stressed days.
Everything seems to make me blow my top.
Just when I think I have ended my craze,
Something else happens and again I drop.

I know that the solution would be sleep.
Halt procrastination to help this plight.
But to control it would be quite a leap.
And I can't see that kind of strength in sight.

Here I go again with grief: nothing new.
I am beginning to abhor this ride.
I feel helpless. There's nothing I can do.
If only I could run and sleep and hide.

Right now when I start "running" I realize I don't feel like running to anyone and no one is running to me, so I metaphorically slap myself on the forehead and realize that I should be running to God. So I talk to Him and always end up crying because I'm so emotionally overwhelmed.... and I know He hears me but I don't really feel any peace in response and thats so completely frustrating, so then I just end up wallowing and being completely unproductive and useless in all my classes and relationships.

Satan's really good at getting to me, isn't he? And somehow that thought is soothing after the initial frustration. It means I'm a threat and that there's purpose behind my struggles and not just mindless torture. Satan knows my buttons and he pushes them often, but for some reason its a lot more difficult for me to deal with at school. So now I am reminded of the normal stressing and depression that come when I'm taking classes and somehow this realization equips me to deal with them. I almost feel refreshed and empowered by the pressence of the enemy because now I have something to fight against.