My Kids and their Families

While I was in grad school and working an internship as a School Social Worker, I was struck by the power the home environment has on kids. Ya, I could run a group and create specific structures for the kids at school, but I rarely had an effect on the way things were for them at home. One of the things I love about my current job as an Intensive In-Home Therapist is that I AM able to be in the middle of that kid’s home life and make read changes for them. And even though each family has its own struggles with change, I think I’ve already begun to take for granted the idea that during my six weeks with a family I WILL be able to induce positive changes (however small).

One of my current cases has caused my emotions to get all twisted up because we’re near the end of the six weeks and I’m beginning to ponder if the basic necessary changes are even POSSIBLE, and ultimately if this really is the best place for this kid. One of the kid’s friends also suffers from a distraught home life and part of me just wants to take them both home. But how can you possibly weigh the child’s attachment and the parent’s good intentions against the parent’s lack of basic life skills and the kid’s ability to fend for themselves?

New Mantra

A good night's sleep used to be the cure-all for whatever feels overwhelming and insurmountable. And despite the fact that it has not been as consistently helpful in recent years, AND I didn't sleep well last night (because of stress, congestion, coughing, and 7 phone calls on my on-call work cell from Kenya, the country), I do feel more hopeful this morning.

Though I do often fail, I am NOT a failure, and God (who is infinitely more wise and loving than I can possibly imagine) has me right where He wants me. So, given the fact that I am finite, human, and very easily distracted, I have decided to employ a new mantra to help encourage me in a positive direction.

My first use of this tactic was around my boy drama issues. I very quickly run away with feelings and fancies about a guy I'm interested in even when he's not pursuing me, so my mantra is:

Don't go there until he goes there

Another phrase would be something like:

God is still God even without the tears and tingles

And of course I LOVE the Serenity Prayer

May God grant me the serenity
To accept the things I cannot change,
The courage to change the things I can,
And the wisdom to know the difference

So, what shall it be? It could be something cheesy like...

The past is lost, the future starts now

Or

Don't worry about the time that's lost,
just work diligently NOW

Thoughts? Suggestions?

Feelings of Failure

Some of you may think I'm crazy and this may not make sense to you at all, but for the last couple months I have been overcome with the pervasive feeling of failure.

In 2010 I got a full-time job, I lost 60 pounds and I ran a half-marathon.

Since then, I have gained half of the weight back (though I still have maintained significantly more muscle), the paperwork aspect of my job is consistently difficult for me to manage due to my ADHD and anxiety issues around writing, I can barely drag my butt to the gym twice a week for training (let alone another 3-4 times a week for good measure), my good eating habits went haywire about a year ago and I STILL haven't been able to gain control and I continue to revert back to what I call "eating my feelings". Add to that the fact that my heart has been broken more than once in 2011, I packed up my life and moved while working full-time, AND my digestive system is on the fritz (due to stress and possibly an untreated food intolerance running a muck)...

TADA! Feelings of failure abound!

...and its all because I SHOULD on myself ALL the time. With almost a year of this job under my belt, I SHOULD be able to create the structure I need to stay up to date on my paperwork. Now that I am halfway through my 29th year of life, I SHOULD have had a steady boyfriend... at some point... in the last 7 years... or better yet I SHOULD be married by now. After becoming fit, healthy, comfortable in my own skin, and-dare I say it-athletic, I SHOULD have found a way to keep the weight off even with a full-time job.

Through all of this, I can't help but wonder: What's wrong with me!?!?

Won't Let Me Go

by: Addison Road ~ Link to You Tube

Welcome to my latest disaster
Same book just another chapter
Never thought it could be worse than last year
But here I am again today

I laugh cause it hurts when I scream
But I'll make it through 'cause I believe

CHORUS
That even when my heart breaks
And everything's shakin'
I'm left alone in the rain
You won't, You won't, Won't
You won't let me go
Life's insane
And everything's crazy
You carry me through the pain
You won't, You won't, Won't
You won't let me go

Here we go it's a three ring circus
Jugglin' it all trying to find my purpose
With each new day
I'm praying just to make it through

When my next disaster is near
I know that You'll meet me right here
So I won't fear

CHORUS

I feel Your love that surrounds me
My world can shake but it won't drown me
'Cause I'm trusting You
No matter what I'm going through

CHORUS

You won't, You won't let me go
Yeah, You won't
You won't let me go